Now on to the mother.
Folks: here's the dirty little secret about the mother who married an abusive man: she's exactly the same way. Her goal is to destroy the children, while looking innocent doing it.
The difference is she's female. She's smaller, less physically imposing, not as strong. Yet in any relationship, she's the capo -- the mob boss -- and he's the hit man. She runs the show; he's the leg breaker. She's actually the stronger one in the partnership because he's out of control, while she's exquisitely in control.
Here's her covert-aggressive way of destroying the children.
When she is beaten by him, how often does it happen in front of the children? Women have been known run into a room where children are when a man is ready to beat them, so that they (the children) could witness it. (Later she would tell the police, "I didn't think he would do it in front of the children!" Hey, Lady: it's never a good idea to use children as a shield.)
The real reason was to take a hit (or several) herself, so she could destroy the little ones by having them witness it. Also, men who beat their wives, often beat their kids.
After the husband has spent years pounding the kids into whimpering shells with his explosive behavior, she divorces him -- or sends him to prison -- and then she has them all to herself. He is, after all, the weaker half of this Evil Duo.
As the children become adults and the father's influence gets weaker to (due to time, frailty, and often physical distance) she gets stronger. She starts sabotaging any relationships her adult children might have that cause them to grow up and move away.
She's pleads poverty when they want to go to college or trade school, yet seems to have plenty of money for herself.
She insists the adult children don't move too far away.
She insists that they come back for every single holiday, ruining anyone's plans.
She fakes illnesses, eliciting sympathy.
She insults any sexual partners they bring home.
In short, after the husband has destroyed the children's past, she picks up the baton and destroys their future.
It's an Evil Dance.
Erin Pizzey wrote a marvelous article on this Evil Dance in the following article. The words that spoke to me are:
"They (cruel statements spoken by mothers) were vicious words that I have heard repeated over and over by mothers everywhere. Indeed, when I later opened my refuge for battered women, 62 of the first 100 to come through the door were as abusive as the men they had left."
Folks: here's the dirty little secret about the mother who married an abusive man: she's exactly the same way. Her goal is to destroy the children, while looking innocent doing it.
The difference is she's female. She's smaller, less physically imposing, not as strong. Yet in any relationship, she's the capo -- the mob boss -- and he's the hit man. She runs the show; he's the leg breaker. She's actually the stronger one in the partnership because he's out of control, while she's exquisitely in control.
Here's her covert-aggressive way of destroying the children.
When she is beaten by him, how often does it happen in front of the children? Women have been known run into a room where children are when a man is ready to beat them, so that they (the children) could witness it. (Later she would tell the police, "I didn't think he would do it in front of the children!" Hey, Lady: it's never a good idea to use children as a shield.)
The real reason was to take a hit (or several) herself, so she could destroy the little ones by having them witness it. Also, men who beat their wives, often beat their kids.
After the husband has spent years pounding the kids into whimpering shells with his explosive behavior, she divorces him -- or sends him to prison -- and then she has them all to herself. He is, after all, the weaker half of this Evil Duo.
As the children become adults and the father's influence gets weaker to (due to time, frailty, and often physical distance) she gets stronger. She starts sabotaging any relationships her adult children might have that cause them to grow up and move away.
She's pleads poverty when they want to go to college or trade school, yet seems to have plenty of money for herself.
She insists the adult children don't move too far away.
She insists that they come back for every single holiday, ruining anyone's plans.
She fakes illnesses, eliciting sympathy.
She insults any sexual partners they bring home.
In short, after the husband has destroyed the children's past, she picks up the baton and destroys their future.
It's an Evil Dance.
Erin Pizzey wrote a marvelous article on this Evil Dance in the following article. The words that spoke to me are:
"They (cruel statements spoken by mothers) were vicious words that I have heard repeated over and over by mothers everywhere. Indeed, when I later opened my refuge for battered women, 62 of the first 100 to come through the door were as abusive as the men they had left."
My therapist told me once that people marry those at the same level of dysfunction as them - but that all goes out the window when a narcissist or psychopath is involved.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog.
My husband has trouble wanting to get that my Mother's put down comments, judgements and behavior is of her own doing. He thinks she is not bright. I know that when I have an opinion or make a decison that she doesn't like the comments start and I am emotionally punished. I have to be just like her or "yes her to death" for everything to be fine. Recently, she wanted to reconcile having a therapist present (to prove I'm crazy!)and then tell me to forget about the past and reconcile with my sisters.
ReplyDeleteMy two Narcissist sisters sided with her five years ago. I just started reading about Narcissists last May, but feel that they all have emotional damage from their past as my mother was cold and unemotional and totally into her own feelings and so was her mother. I was the least damaged child as I spent my weekends hanging around my enabling father who let her rule the household.
I did marry someone who has a critical know it all mother. She had an alcholic father and a mother who divorced him and left her and her sister to fend for themselves. My husband has also had to deal with emotional abuse, but he doesn't like to talk about it. My mother-in-law mostly critizes us who she knows will take it (not his sister who will talk back to her) and she can blame us for both being too sensitive (and now I have the dysfunctional family of origin!).
My husband has recently stood up to his Mom now that I have stood up to my family of origin.
Your blog is supportive, insightful and helpful to me.
I would just like to say that you are an incredibly insightful and amazing person. This post sums up perfectly what my family dynamic is like.
ReplyDelete