Like marries like, so two parents who look --and act -- different on the surface are actually co-conspirators in an conjoined effort to destroy the children. It's a dance.
Men are more aggressive than women, so the father is aggressive-aggressive, while the mother is covert-aggressive.
My father beat us, used the "Now I'm angry/Now I'm not," posture, and threw things at us. He beat and choked my mother.
I thought she was the innocent one.
Eventually she threw him out of the house, but he still insisted on visitation rights so he could maintain a menacing presence. While he was menacing us at every visit, he also: got us library cards, went to every PTA meeting, and played "catch" with us.
As well as the stories above, he also...
1) Absolutely refused to buy us new clothes or food. My mother was on food stamps (God bless food stamps) until she could get herself on her feet. We wore extremely worn clothes.
2) Gave us birthday presents, and made us open them...at a restaurant!
3) Called us stupid and cuffed us when no one was looking.
4) Presented us with savings bonds for our birthday, made out to his name and ours. After showing it to us (whoopee!) he took them back ("...for safe-keeping,") and we never saw them again.
Have you figured it out yet?
1) PTA meetings: He looked like Father of the Year. The teachers were in awe of him.
2) Library cards: Looked good, to the librarian.
3) Opening the gifts in a restaurant: He wanted total strangers to adore him for what a great father he was. (Ditto "playing catch": it's out in public.)
5) He "presented" us with a "gift" that was impossible to spend, and we never even got that much.
Hitting, name calling, food insecurity (look it up), skinnyness and worn (but clean) clothes were covered up.
He wanted to do bad, while looking good. His entire world was divided into those two acts because he's Evil.
His goal is to destroy the children, while looking good doing it.
Because he's male, his acts of aggression are violent and out-of-control.The father is usually outed -- in public, in a divorce court -- as someone who is bad for the children. The children are "given" (awarded) to the mother, who stands by looking innocent.
She's not. She invited the vampire over the threshold in the first place. Out of an entire world filled with nice men, she bred with the demon.
Following the formula that Like marries Like, and he's Evil, then she's Evil as well.
Following the formula that she-- also -- wants to do bad while looking good, she gets the man to do her dirty work (destroying the children) while she stands by looking frail and victimized. Then, when, through divorce, frailty or frustration with his efforts, he's no longer in the picture, she takes over and becomes the Greater Evil.
It's a dance. He plays the greater role in destroying the children when they are young, and she takes over and continues to destroy them when they are older.
Men are more aggressive than women, so the father is aggressive-aggressive, while the mother is covert-aggressive.
My father beat us, used the "Now I'm angry/Now I'm not," posture, and threw things at us. He beat and choked my mother.
I thought she was the innocent one.
Eventually she threw him out of the house, but he still insisted on visitation rights so he could maintain a menacing presence. While he was menacing us at every visit, he also: got us library cards, went to every PTA meeting, and played "catch" with us.
As well as the stories above, he also...
1) Absolutely refused to buy us new clothes or food. My mother was on food stamps (God bless food stamps) until she could get herself on her feet. We wore extremely worn clothes.
2) Gave us birthday presents, and made us open them...at a restaurant!
3) Called us stupid and cuffed us when no one was looking.
4) Presented us with savings bonds for our birthday, made out to his name and ours. After showing it to us (whoopee!) he took them back ("...for safe-keeping,") and we never saw them again.
Have you figured it out yet?
1) PTA meetings: He looked like Father of the Year. The teachers were in awe of him.
2) Library cards: Looked good, to the librarian.
3) Opening the gifts in a restaurant: He wanted total strangers to adore him for what a great father he was. (Ditto "playing catch": it's out in public.)
5) He "presented" us with a "gift" that was impossible to spend, and we never even got that much.
Hitting, name calling, food insecurity (look it up), skinnyness and worn (but clean) clothes were covered up.
He wanted to do bad, while looking good. His entire world was divided into those two acts because he's Evil.
His goal is to destroy the children, while looking good doing it.
Because he's male, his acts of aggression are violent and out-of-control.The father is usually outed -- in public, in a divorce court -- as someone who is bad for the children. The children are "given" (awarded) to the mother, who stands by looking innocent.
She's not. She invited the vampire over the threshold in the first place. Out of an entire world filled with nice men, she bred with the demon.
Following the formula that Like marries Like, and he's Evil, then she's Evil as well.
Following the formula that she-- also -- wants to do bad while looking good, she gets the man to do her dirty work (destroying the children) while she stands by looking frail and victimized. Then, when, through divorce, frailty or frustration with his efforts, he's no longer in the picture, she takes over and becomes the Greater Evil.
It's a dance. He plays the greater role in destroying the children when they are young, and she takes over and continues to destroy them when they are older.
I can understand this whole dynamic. I am an only child. My mother taught school for 30 years and my father was on the school board. My father molested me, and my mother never did anything about it. They are both considered pillars of the community. My father was an aggressive asshole, and my mother played the innocent victim while really being the most manipulative one. They both have tried to sabotage my efforts at having a happy life.
ReplyDeleteThis sums up exactly what I have thought of my parents for decades now.
ReplyDeleteMy father was very abusive and my mother would actually tell me that "It doesn't matter" while I was being physically and verbally abused.
After managing to get them out of my life for a decade the old man finally managed follow through with the actions that he had never quite had the courage to complete before and he shot and killed one of his employees.
He is now in jail and my mother has seen fit to inflict herself on me again by moving in and acting as if she did everything she could to prevent this "unforseeable" tragedy.
I feel like screaming.
This is very thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteIn my situation, my mother was basically his prisoner. She wanted to do good, wanted to be a good mother, but she was dead inside -- so she drank, which made it hard for her to protect us.
She was the child of a father who condoned the abuse inflicted upon her and her children. In her mind, she deserved it and was powerless to protect us.
She also had to make tough choices. There were 6 of us. If one was being beaten, she knew that intervening would leave all 6 of us vulnerable.
On another note, I so resonate with this post. When I was finally open about my life, I had high school friends who became very angry with m. They thought my SF was charming and a nice, funny guy and that I was lying.
He would do things like force me to buy my own tampons and toothpaste (at 12) and then publicly pay for a military man's groceries. Anyone who questioned his behavior (me) was extricated from the family.
I appreciate your blog and hope you write more.