A difference between a narcissist, and an Evil Person 

(Trait #2)

 "A Narcissist has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others."
 
My Evil Family of Origin is utterly indifferent to the achievements of others. It wasn't a feigned indifference.  You can't fake that; it always looks a little forced.

Real indifference is unmistakable. Rather, my relatives simply had no stake whatsoever in the accomplishments, skills, or goals of others.

I think this is what caused so many of their friends to fade away.

My Family of Origin is attractive and well-educated. People are drawn to them. But being their friend meant that -- after years of getting just a little attention for life's accomplishments  -- their friends just...drift away. Things that get a normal, positive reaction from others, such as getting married, having kids or getting that job promotion, received no reaction whatsoever from my relatives. After their friends drifted away, my relatives made no attempt to follow up, write, or visit.

Their lives were utterly circumscribed by their needs, and the need to control anyone they see as a potential patsy.

A difference between a narcissist, and an Evil Person 

(Trait #1)

"Narcissists can't stand to live alone."


(Narcissists-suck)



I don't know. All I know is Evil People can't stand to live with someone.


Evil Parents separate and get divorced. They don't remarry. My siblings had roommates for a while, and they just couldn't get along, so they all moved out on their own, even though the expense really stretched their wallets.


Heck; I didn't like roommates either, but I got along. You have to; it's a part of life.


Now that they are all successful in their careers (and can afford not to have roommates) they could get married. Yet are all unmarried. All four of my siblings. Not married; never were. No kids either (thank God.)

"Ode to Life"... by me.

Dial 1(800) 442-HOPE (4673) any time of the day or night, if you feel the need.

Ode to Life!

I absolve myself for hurting those who seek to harm me,

for offending those who give offense,

for pushing those who shove,

for moving away from those who are unable to get close.

Evil Trait #4: Any Loss of Control is Seen as Complete Loss of Control, or: 
Never give an Inch...

 
After spending every single Christmas with the my freak Family of Origin -- well into adulthood -- I wanted one Christmas with my family.

One.

I didn't ask them; I'm not a supplicant. I told them. I could hear the frosty reception, but I couldn't even guess at what came next.


My older sister called, and said our brother was going out of town for Christmas...could I come for a "going away" party? It was on December 15. I said, "Sure."


When my spouse and I got there, we placed our gifts for the freak family on the floor, in an open space, and I noticed that their gifts to us were shoved behind a chair. So much for grabbing them and stuffing them in the car for a hasty getaway. We didn't want the gifts; we wanted the hasty getaway.


I tried to make small talk with Older Sister, and she gave me a look that froze me to my bones: it was the most slanted-eye, pinched-lip, Evil Face I have ever seen. It took my breath away. It took me years to figure it out, and here it is: she hated me for "forcing" her to move Christmas to the 15th.


Yup, you guessed it (I sure didn't): they"had" to move Christmas to the 15th because I had "forced" them to.


I didn't fu**ing "force" anything: I didn't want Christmas with them. I was sick of the pretense of being a loving family. I had a loving family. My Family of Origin  had nothing to offer except each other... and their hatred. But that didn't jibe with the image of a loving family, so they moved Christmas to the 15th!


After being very confused (and repulsed) by my sister's Evil Face (confusion is a normal reaction around the Perfectly Evil -- M. Scott Peck) I made small talk. Our mother was late -- very late. I was actually worried about her.


Hah!


When she did arrive it was almost comical. She had on a long black coat -- almost a cape -- and she roared into the room in an absolute towering rage. She spun around in the room -- enraged -- and I asked, "Why were you late? You kept everyone waiting." Meaning: How rude of you.


"None of your Goddamn business!" Oh, really? I wasn't scared; I was furious. I wanted to spend as little time as possible in the stink of my Evil siblings, and the She-beast just dragged it out.


Ah, that was it. It took me several days to work it out, but she had dragged it out on purpose. She wanted her adult, all-grown-up-children to spend as much time as possible with each other...bonding.


Then, while I was sitting on the couch next to my spouse, wondering, "Have I put in enough time so that I can go now?" my Evil Older Sister pulled out some gifts from behind the chair and started handing them out!


I froze. It was a set-up after all. She handed some to me and my husband, and we just set them on the floor. The other jerks started opening theirs and oohing and ahhing.


You know how you're in the nut house, so you do just enough to appease the crazies? We smiled, but we (by silent mutual consent) refused to open our gifts. This accidentally turned out to be the right thing to do. They grew more and more embarrassed at their faux Christmas, and when we finally said, "Well, it's time to go," they sighed with relief.


We gathered up the gifts and left.


If you're wondering why we didn't pitch a fit and walk out without any presents: I knew (in my heart) I was going to go No Contact with them, and that this was a trial run on how they would handle me not spending a Christmas with them (um, not well). Since I was never going to speak to them again, there was no point in grandstanding. We get up on a box and shout only when we want someone to listen.


I knew they would never listen. Ever. They would never hear me.


I was also breathless at the Evil Face I saw on my sister. It was the real deal...and absolutely shocking.


In summation: They don't want me to spend Christmas with them because they loooove me...they hate me.


They want me to spend Christmas with them because it controls where I am on this day, and they would control all of my days if they could.


So this one Christmas was spun out in their minds as: Well, if we give her this one, she might want another one, and then she'll get ideas. She'll get a taste of freedom, and that's not acceptable at all.


So forget trying to compromise with the Evil Relatives: the Truly Evil are incapable of compromise.


Any loss of control is seen as complete loss of control.

Evil Trait #3: Parents reward the child most like themselves (and punish those that aren't.)

1(800) SUICIDE


Abuse-by-Proxy.


Anonymous (July 29,2009) said, "I've spent my life believing that you can never call someone evil... I know better now... Specifically I would like to hear more about specific traits or common behaviors that identify someone as evil... I think there are identifiable traits..."

Yes, there are identifiable traits. I will do my best to list list them.

But -- as always -- I want feedback. If you have traits you believe identify Evil People, by all means: let me know.

The difference between narcissists and Evil People is that narcissists seem to be unaware of the basic humanity -- the differences -- between themselves and their children. This results in the narcissist trampling all over the child's own likes and dislikes, belief systems, etc. It is willful, but not necessarily premeditated.

With the Evil Parent, it is willful and premeditated.  It arises out of plotting, and planning.

Narcissism is a crime of omission: an unawareness of otherness, and so that otherness gets ignored, set-aside, and walked upon. It is as if they are trying to erase the child.

Evil is a crime of commission. The Evil Parent is acutely aware of the difference of the good child, and they hate it like fire. So they set about punishing the good child (or children), and rewarding the bad children, until they have either destroyed those children, or molded them to their own image.

The Abuse-by-Proxy example: my younger sister was the rotten kid. She would ruin games, pick fights, destroy my property, and later, feign innocence. I would complain to my mother, who would say, "Oh well, you're bigger; I expect more of you."

At the time, (when I was nine, ten or eleven) I assumed this was moral laziness on her part. She knew this daughter was a turd, but didn't want to take the time to straighten out her own child, even though most mothers would welcome a chance to guide their child. I know I need to hear when one of my children has done something bad; that way I can nip it in the bud while it is still fresh in the child's mind.

Reinforcing this "moral laziness" belief was that she knew I was the reasonable one. This bit of insight would also cause her to know that...

a) The wrongdoing probably was my sister's fault and,

b) She could more easily tell me to back off, than my sister.

That was a great theory, even for a ten year old. Heck, it was a great theory for a thirty year old.

When I got older though, and saw the give and take between these two, I realized my mother was much more aware than I thought. She punished the good child (me) by letting the bad child destroy me, bit by bit, day by day, and rewarded the bad child for being much like herself.

My mother was acutely aware, from my earliest memory, that I was good, and therefore "different." I also felt that -- in a general way -- I was "good" as well. I also felt that my mother had a kind of smiling condescension towards this goodness. I was an outsider. There was always -- and I mean always -- a divide between us.

This elegant, simple solution (using one child to punish another child who is not like yourself) is called Abuse-by-Proxy. It fulfills a fundamental need of the Truly Evil: my mother was able to do bad, while looking good. (Evil Trait number two.)